When you’ve lived through a lot of trauma, especially from childhood or young adulthood, it’s easy to develop habits that feel like self-protection. One of those habits is dismissing people quickly. Maybe you’ve noticed this tendency in yourself—the way you immediately cut people off or back away at the first sign of a red flag.
You might think this is just your strong boundaries at work, keeping you safe. And yes, in some ways it is. But more often than not, it’s something deeper. It’s a survival mechanism, rooted in a long history of hurt and betrayal. Over time, we learn that it’s easier to label someone as harmful based on their actions or words and disengage than to take the risk of seeing who they truly are.
But what if this habit is actually keeping us trapped in our trauma?
The Survival Instinct: Condensing Red Flags into Trauma
For those who have experienced trauma, red flags become survival cues. We don’t just see a red flag as a signal to pause and assess; we condense that flag into the totality of the person. Once that trigger appears, it feels like all we can see is the potential harm that person might inflict. We stop seeing the person entirely and focus on getting rid of the threat—emotionally, mentally, or physically.
This reaction is understandable. Many of us have given people second and third chances, only to be hurt worse each time. So now, when we see something that reminds us of past wounds, we shut down and retreat. It feels safer to dismiss someone than to risk getting close and being hurt again.
But here’s the thing: this automatic response isn’t always serving us. In fact, it’s keeping us locked in a cycle of fear, making it difficult to distinguish between real threats and people who might just be imperfect, but ultimately safe.
Learning to Break the Cycle: Moving from Reaction to Awareness
The way out of this pattern begins with awareness. When we operate from a place of unconscious reaction, we’re not giving ourselves the chance to see things clearly. Instead, we’re acting based on past experiences, not present reality. And while this can be useful for self-preservation, it also prevents us from truly connecting with others.
So how do we move from reaction to conscious awareness?
1. Pause Before You Dismiss
The next time you feel triggered by someone’s behavior, take a moment to pause. Before you jump to conclusions about their intentions, try to sit with the discomfort. Notice the stories your mind is telling you and where they might be rooted in your past.
2. Check In with Your Intuition
Trauma can make us lose trust in our intuition, confusing it with fear. Instead of jumping to judgment, ask yourself, “What does my intuition say about this person or situation? Is this fear speaking, or is there real danger here?” By getting quiet and checking in with yourself, you can begin to differentiate between true red flags and your trauma responses.
3. Engage with Curiosity, Not Fear
If you feel safe enough, try to approach the person or situation with curiosity rather than fear. Ask questions, explore the behavior that triggered you, and see if there’s more to the person than the red flag you initially saw. You might find that they weren’t intentionally causing harm or that their behavior was a reflection of their own struggles, not a threat to you.
The Power of Conscious Connection
When we begin to step out of our automatic trauma responses and into conscious awareness, we open the door to deeper, more meaningful connections. This doesn’t mean ignoring red flags or allowing harmful people into our lives—it means giving ourselves the space to discern whether those red flags are signals of real danger or simply echoes of past wounds.
Healing from trauma isn’t about letting everyone in without question. It’s about finding the balance between protecting yourself and allowing for the possibility of growth, healing, and authentic connection. As you cultivate this practice of awareness, you’ll find that you’re better able to see people for who they truly are, rather than through the lens of your past pain.
